The Old Motor

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.



The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are
something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

ok thats it for today. ill be digging up some my other collections for tommorrow

Link to Part IV here....
http://www.book-of-thoth.com/ftopict-13687.html

wow i feel so special i filled up the thread. Can you tell i have a extremely easy job, that i can just sit here and post humerous jokes all day..lmao

Q. What do you get when you mix Holy Water with prune juice?
A. A religious movement.

Q. What is yellow and points north?
A. A magnetic banana.


_________________
"I got up this morning with plans to have a good day. Let's not screw it up!" Bubba Earl

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
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Who is Really Your Best Friend?

Just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.

If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

My name is (insert any name) and I approved this message.

> LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL.......PRICELESS!!
> >
> > According to a news report, a certain school in
> Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique
> problem.
> >
> > A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
> use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.
> That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
> they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
> dozens of little lip prints.
> >
> > Every night, the maintenance man would remove them
> and the next day the girls would put them back.
> > Finally the principal decided that something had
> to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom
> and met them there with the maintenance man.
> >
> >
> > He explained that all these l ip pri nts were
> causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
> clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
> difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked
> the maintenance man to show the girls how much
> effort was required.
> >
> > He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it
> >
> > in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
> > Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
> mirror.
> >
> > THE MORAL OF THIS STORY:
> > There are teachers, and then there
> > are.....Educators

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A seaman meets a pirate with a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch in a marina bar.
"How did you end up with the peg leg?" the seaman asks.
"A shark bit my leg off," the pirate says.
"And the hook?" the seaman asks.
"A rival pirate cut my had off with a sword," the pirate answers.
"And what about the eye patch?" the seaman asks.
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asks in disbelief.
"Well," the pirate explains, "it was my first day with the hook."


--------------------------------------

An e-mail from a friend:

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

No words!




_________________
If seeing is believing, are you seeing to believe?

Rubber GlovesNext time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'




Gotta watch those little old ladies!


_________________
If seeing is believing, are you seeing to believe?

2 Nuns on pushbike take a detour,
one nun turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before!"
the other says "Yes its the cobblestones!"


_________________
Never turn away a stranger, they may be an angel in disguise. (unless their wearing a coonskin hat, South African or carrying a BINGO card)

The Mental Patients




Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim
out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news".

The good news is that you're being discharged because you
responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the
life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung ! himself in his
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there
to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably extremely dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

The wife responds, "He wasn' t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."


Bad Drivers

A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone. "Honey, be carful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving the wrong way." To this the man replies, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"


New Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One
who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who
thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's
gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my
chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send
me
a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is
my
behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my
very
best friend. Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store
and a boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a %$&*@. Amen.


_________________
Formerly known as Dagobert 2

lol..ok that one was awesome

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. 'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!' Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?' The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'


_________________
"Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived ...and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
"Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and

squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know.... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men..... are men.


_________________
"I got up this morning with plans to have a good day. Let's not screw it up!" Bubba Earl

_________________
Never turn away a stranger, they may be an angel in disguise. (unless their wearing a coonskin hat, South African or carrying a BINGO card)

I cant remember if I've already posted this one but Bubba reminded me of it so here goes!

I guy says to his friend " Man I've had the luckiest day!" "I had my last $100 dollars on a outsider horse paying 50/1 and it won" "Then I parlayed all my winnings on my lucky number on the roulette, it came up and I won, as I was walking out of the casino I put a $1 into a big poker machine and got the jackpot." So I thought I'd go to the bar to celebrate with a drink, I got to talking with this beautiful Hindu woman, and woke up next to her in the morning. I noticed the red dot on her forehead, so I scratched it off, you'll never believe it I WON A CAR!!!"


_________________
Never turn away a stranger, they may be an angel in disguise. (unless their wearing a coonskin hat, South African or carrying a BINGO card)

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 1)


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Harry.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the flubb' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Harry.




LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH


Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'





LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR


Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a p*ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'





LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just flubb' beautiful'.



LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER


Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own flubb' business.


_________________
Never turn away a stranger, they may be an angel in disguise. (unless their wearing a coonskin hat, South African or carrying a BINGO card)